I went to a matinee today with some of the lads. And I have to say, Revenge of the Sith is much better than I had expected. The acting is much improved, the effects are relatively seamless, and the plot goes a long way towards tying the two Trilogies together. Everything from the ships to the blasters to the lightsabers has the imprimatur of the Star Wars we know and love: old school. Even Anakin manages a few moments of actual conflict and angst, almost as if the entire cast realized they were setting their places in cinematic history.

Now, if you read the foregoing paragraph and caught yourself nodding or otherwise in agreement in any point, you need to go to a phone as quickly as possible and call the nearest hospital, because you are suffering from some sort of cranial bleed. Now, I hate to get all weird on you and peel back that comforting layer of internet anonymity we all know and love, but let me just say this: my chosen profession is that of a corporate attorney. I am paid something on the order of $350/hour for my opinions on possible resolutions to what others see as largely intractable and generally convoluted problems. Indeed, the only reason my fee is so absurd is that 1) said problems are typically unsolvable by others and 2) I am correct approximately 99% of the time. Bear that percentage in mind when I make the following statement: Revenge of the Sith is an intractably bad movie.

Now, don’t flip out. It is absolutely fine to enjoy or even love a bad movie. Indeed, I speak as someone who admittedly loves bad movies, and has quite a collection of them in his DVD library. I am a big, dumb American, and I love big, dumb American action movies, to the point of being quite an expert. There is, in fact, an enormous array of “bad” movies: movies that should be bad but are really quite good (Predator), movies that should be good but are really quite bad (Windtalkers), movies that are mostly good but terribly flawed by a few scenes/performances (Godfather III), movies that are mostly terrible but aided by a few great moments (Blade 2), and movies that see-saw from one end of the spectrum to the other so quickly you can’t help but keep watching (Burton’s Sleepy Hollow). Revenge of the Sith joins these ranks of bad movies in the following category: A bad movie that is absolutely certain it is a good movie (”BMCGM”).

Now, this is indeed a rare breed. Hallmarked by a zealous attention to detail and a hideous array of pretension and over-confidence, the BMCGM takes itself so seriously in certain areas, chosen apparently at random, that it ignores the gaping flaws in other areas to the detriment of the whole. These qualities have come to characterize all the Prequel films, but I’ve never seen anything quite like the twisted, bitter fruit they’ve grown in Revenge of the Sith. Now, to particulars.

My movie experience got off to a resounding start when the theater gave me a ticket for “Star Wars Episode II”. That’s right, Episode II. Thanks for reminding me that movie ever existed, jerks. This dire omen received, I was ushered into a half-filled theater full of apparent repeat viewers. Now, you know a film is going to get a warm reception when the audience cheers a Coke commercial because they think the movie is starting. This was quite possibly one of the funniest things in recent memory for me, and I have watched French ministers debate the EU. In any event, you know you’re sitting in a Prequel film when not only do the 20 minutes of commercial elicit various cheers, but several of them are for video games. Is anyone else agreeing with me yet that the line between video game and Prequel film is officially blurred? Anyone? I’m telling you, PS3 controllers in the backs of the theater seats are only a matter of time.

After a grueling opening crawl apparently written by blindfolded monkeys, Revenge of the Sith starts with one of the most baffling space battles ever. Nobody knows what’s going on, tries to explain it to one another, or bothers to find out for themselves. Now, the effects are stunning, albeit clearly designed for people with attention deficit disorder. It was kind of Lucas to think about the disabled among us, but those of us with normal attention spans also like to be able to focus on an image before it explodes/morphs/wipes away and turns into something else. Just a note for Episode VII.

Anyway, after wading through a sea of continuity-wrecking technology, robots, and ships, we finally meet up somehow with General Grevious. This lively action figure has a cold for some reason apparently explained in a cartoon somewhere. God bless the Prequels, I tell you. Many people complain about his cough or the poor CG or his lame cloak or something. Me, I’m annoyed by how obviously Lucas ripped off Robocop 2. There’s even a scene where Grevious’s steely toe punches a hole in a ship hull, just like how robo-Kane’s toe punches a hole in concrete in Robocop 2! Come on!

Anyway, something happens next. This film is so forgettable I’m already losing the thread of the “plot”. Oh yeah, after Dooku gets dispatched and Grevious flees, they crash half a cruiser back onto Coruscant and take Anakin for a haircut. Man, I wish! Actually, they take him to a reception with Senators. At this point, three 14-year old girls next to me were giggling about how ‘cute’ he is. Mission accomplished, Lord Vader! So at least Ian gets to do some good acting. Probably what comes from actually having some lines now.

So next, there is some politicking, and we get to see Padme +10 lbs. Due to the amazing weight fluctuations Padme has during the film, I’m inventing the convention of referring to her by her “default” + “some amount of random weight in that particular scene to denote pregnancy”. This is important, I guess. But on the plus side, she has what can only be described as smokin’ hot hair buns. Obviously Lucas and his crew have been hanging on my every word for years in order to put my namesake into the film in such an obvious and touching scene. Bravo! Anyway, Anakin is reunited with Padme’s hair buns, and learns she is pregnant somehow despite being separated from him for what feels like a lifetime. Lucas’s amazing inability to relate to anything involving the human condition deserves at least its own paragraph, and will get one shortly.

Now, Darth Sidious has always been a cool character, and for much of the film he is the only thing worth listening to. However, to paraphrase Binary, he SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO SHUT UP ABOUT THE MIDICHLORIANS. What an absolutely retarded plot point. Moreover, as I noted in a previous post, Anakin has had at least two important dreams that never actually came true: him freeing the slaves, and Padme leading a huge army into battle. Neither happened! So why the hell would he worry about a dream in which Padme dies? In fact, dreaming about that is probably the only way he can be sure it won’t happen. This is a classic example of why a good way to make money betting is to find out what other people are sure will happen, and bet on the exact opposite (see also: idiots cheering a Coke commercial above).

Next, we get to see some people roaming around in some antiseptic CG rooms and hallways. Mace Windu vaguely starts to question whether there might sometime possibly be the potential for a possibly dangerous move against the Jedi theoretically in the future at some point maybe. Similarly, Yoda continues what is now a three movie, THREE MOVIE, pattern of frowning slightly and/or rubbing himself in suspicion when things happen. If he were playing chess, the other guy would have 10 of his pieces and Yoda would still be rubbing his chin and wondering if the game had started. Oh, and there are Wookies for some reason. This was such a stupid thing to do, it’s hard for me to describe. But I will. Why would you EVER stuff Chewbacca into a movie for no other reason than to further muck up the continuity? Christ Almighty.

Anakin also gradually begins to turn to the Dark Side at the speed of a runaway glacier, which we saw some of in Attack of the Clones when we weren’t covering our eyes and curled fetal in the aisle from how bad that movie was. Well, there’s more of it here. He’s dressed all in black, and has a scar (what – no budget for a truly evil eyepatch and hook-hand attachment?) and is surly and grouchy, but the genius Jedi rely on him anyway. Luckily Padme + 30 lbs suspects something, but is too weighed down by her muu-muu to do more than give him a hug. At least she wasn’t knitting on the sofa too.

While Anakin is hanging out with Padme +50 lbs and getting ping-ponged between the Jedi Council and Palpatine, Obi-Wan is off riding a CG iguana. The iguana makes a cool noise. Then it makes that cool noise 15,000 more times until you think your ears are going to explode if you hear it one more time. Finally, what we’ve all waited for for the last 15 years begins to happen: Jar Jar goes away. I mean, the Empire starts to come together. Stormtroopers turn on idiot Jedi and make dead action figures out of them. Yoda kills 2 clone troopers and the theater erupts in cheers for some reason. Let’s be clear: a CG Yoda just killed 2 CG clone troopers against a CG backdrop, and this is ovation-worthy. Oscars, here we come!

Now the film was at least good eyecandy up until the last 30 minutes or so. In fact, from what I’ve read, many people thing the movie is bad until the last half hour or so. Sorry, this is wrong. In fact, the last 30 minutes are just awful and the movie goes so far off the tracks it vanishes into the woods and will never be located by even the most dedicated and skilled accident reconstruction specialists. Obi-Wan watches security tapes of Anakin joining Palpatine as his apprentice. There are cameras in Palpatine’s office? Why wasn’t someone watching these WHEN IT HAPPENED? Why even have Anakin spy on the Chancellor when you can just watch him on tv all the time? The Duel is intercut with a totally meaningless fight between Yoda and Sidious that ends in a draw, yet Yoda runs away the second he loses his Robe of Defense But Also Of Plot Masking +50. Also, the Duel itself is brutally choreographed, totally incoherent, and is an eye-blurring mess. This honestly surprised me: I expected it to be pretty but soulless like the rest of the PT. Actually, the Duel does have some emotional resonance, but is a sprawling wreck of an action sequence. Empire Strikes Back’s duel totally slaps this one around like a little girl who sassed back. In fact, the superiority of ESB on this matter (and all others) is so great I will accept no further debate.

Also, we’re led to believe that Anakin force-strangling Padme +10 lbs somehow results in Padme +5 lbs having two kids in the most stilted and horrid birth sequence ever (even including Alien: Resurrection), and then losing the will to live. Now, Lucas is a wizard with effects, but he apparently lives in some magical cocoon where real people never enter. Romance dialogue, empathy, childbirth, relationships, acting – hell, pretty much everything besides CGI is just out of Lucas’s league now. That’s just all there is to it.

So, because we all love closure and an end to rambling, here are my high and low points:

Good-
Scenes: There are a few moments in ROTS that actually feel like Star Wars. It is notable only because how obviously they differ from the rest of the Prequels. Scenes like Padme and Anakin separately suffering during the attack on Palpatine, or Beru and Owen holding Luke in front of the dual suns feel like Star Wars ironically because they are majestic, involve subtle acting, and have no dialogue. Lucas actually pauses the sugar-fueled CG mayhem and lets the camera linger on the moment. It’s like someone clonked him on the head and he passed out for a bit and didn’t realize he hadn’t star-wiped away to some goofy battledroids. If only the PT had many, many, many more of these real scenes.
Acting: Palpatine is good, and Obi-Wan is a bit better than AOTC.
Music: The soundtrack isn’t bad, although it’s used like a hammer. There are a number of instances where it switches into a minor key and/or scary drum beat when something “important” happens in the plot like Padme mentioning Obi-Wan to Anakin. Subtle. Real subtle.

Bad-
Acting: Portman is wasted, and Hayden should file his resume with Burger King for the 11-6 shift ASAP. Oh, and Luke & Leia naming scene is so rushed and artificial even the 14 year old girls near me laughed at it.
Continuity: Jebus, where to begin. Well, the most brutal part of ROTS is how it matches its final moments up inhumanly well with the start of ANH twenty years later. The one place we could accept some break due to the decades between them, Lucas has us basically assume everything goes into stasis and nothing happens at all ‘cept that Luke grows up. R2 and C3PO stay on the same ship with Antilles for 20 years! Obi-Wan pokes around in the desert for 20 years! Yoda stays in hiding for 20 years! The Emperor doesn’t touch the Senate for 20 years! Etc. etc. etc. It’s absurd.
Effects: CG still ain’t there yet, people. There are many, many instances of bad effects, including the iguana, the clone trooper heads, various robes and bodyparts, C3PO running up a ship ramp, R2D2 in numerous places, the droids, and even a few weird spots like Anakin or Obi-Wan just running. And don’t get me started on crap like the lava surfing or the endless backflips.
Sound effects: I heard Burtt got the boot, and that’s a good thing. Not everything needs to beep, whirr, chirp, grunt, snort or otherwise make itself known. See ya later, noise-maker man.
Wipes: This started to drive me absolutely nuts. I saw diagonal wipes, I saw side wipes, I saw circle wipes, I saw stripe wipes, I saw square wipes, I saw rectangle wipes, I saw blinder wipes, I think I even saw a wipe that transitioned through “Drink Pepsi”. Heads need to roll over this.

Intellectual Property/Cultural Heritage pillaging: Revenge of the Sith has some truly disgusting moments. Lucas ripped off other movies (Robocop 2, Lord of the Rings), cultural events (the shuttle burning up in pieces over Texas, the attacks on the World Trade Center), projected his own infantile understanding of politics from deep inside the protective cocoon of his own yes-men (Palpatine’s various Dubya references), and generally leeched off all he could from real-world creations or events. The amount of original material in Revenge of the Sith borders on 0% and threatens to dive into the negatives upon close inspection.

Final Judgment:
Revenge of the Sith is the best of the Prequels until the last 30 minutes, at which point it becomes just as bad as The Phantom Menace. It has absolutely nothing on any of the originals, including Return of the Jedi and particularly Empire Strikes Back. Revenge of the Sith is the perfect headstone to the grave that is the Prequels: Machined down to its most excruciatingly precise details, and totally yet totally unable to produce a coherent or memorable plot, concept, or fable. It is the most beautiful car you’ve ever seen, but one whose engine will never turn over no matter how many times you go back to try to restart it.