EXT. THEED–CENTRAL PLAZA–DAY

Children SING and throw flowers on the passing Gungan soldiers. The crowds CHEER. Naboo fighters streak overhead.

On the steps before the palace, Queen Amidala stands next to Chancellor Palpatine, Anakin, Artoo, Obi-Wan, Sio Bibble, and the Jedi Council. Around them stand the Queen’s handmaidens, Naboo soldiers, and various Naboo officials. Anakin wears the garb of a Jedi Padawan, while Obi-Wan no longer wears his apprentice’s braid.

The kid sure did get his new duds pretty quickly, didn’t he? I guess the Jedi delegation carried a spare set with them.

In the parade are Boss Nass, Jar Jar, and Captain Tarpals.

No mention of stupid Jar Jar getting his foot caught in the stirrup of his kaduu. I tell ya, Lucas just can’t stop himself.

They stop before the Queen and walk up the steps to stand by her side. She hands Boss Nass the Globe of Peace. Boss Nass holds it above his head in triumph.

BOSS NASS: Peace!!!

EVERYBODY CHEERS.

IRIS OUT.

And so ends my crtique (heh!) of TPM. What a long, frustrating trip it was. Can it get any worse?

Yeah, you betcha!

For next comes Star Wars Episode II: Attack of the Clones. The movie that proved that you can sleep in your theater seat with your eyes wide open. This is paper-bag-over-the-head bad, this is circus bad, this is…AOTC bad!

This Sith has to take care of business in the Land of Real Life, but, don’t worry, true believers! I’ll be back the first week of May with my brand new chainsaw to rip into this miserable waste of film.

INT. NABOO PALACE–TURRET ROOM–LATE DAY

The sun streams into the multi-windowed room at a low angle. It is not quite sunset. Yoda paces before Obi-Wan, who is kneeling in the center of the room.

YODA: Confer on you the level of Jedi Knight, the Council does. But agree with your taking this boy as your Padawan learner, I do not.
OBI-WAN: Qui-Gon believed in him.
YODA: The chosen one the boy may be. Nevertheless, grave danger I fear in his training.
OBI-WAN: Master Yoda, I gave Qui-Gon my word. I will train Anakin.

Yoda scoffs.

OBI-WAN: (Cont’d) Without the approval of the Council, if I must.

YODA: Qui-Gon’s defiance I sense in you. Need that, you do not. Agree with you, the Council does. Your apprentice Skywalker will be.

INT. THEED–FUNERAL TEMPLE–SUNSET

Qui-Gon’s body goes up in flames as the Jedi Council, the Queen, Sio Bibble, Captain Panaka, the handmaidens, twenty other Jedi, Naboo troops, Palpatine, Obi-Wan (standing with Anakin), Jar Jar, Boss Nass, and Gungan warriors watch. Anakin looks to Obi-Wan.

ANAKIN: What will happen to me now?
OBI-WAN: The Council has granted me permission to train you. You will be a Jedi. I promise.

To one side, Mace Windu turns to Yoda.

MACE WINDU: There’s no doubt. The mysterious warrior was a Sith.
YODA: Always two there are. No more, no less. A master and an apprentice.
MACE WINDU: But which was destroyed? The master or the apprentice?

All this talking shop during a funeral. Don’t they have any respect for the dead?

I’ve heard the rumble around fan circles about Yoda’s knowledge of how the Sith work, both serious and humorous. “If he knows that, then he’s GOT to be a Sith!” – stuff like that. I think: why wouldn’t he know? This should be part of every Jedi’s knowledge base. If they do have this knowledge, they sure are ignoring it, because after this incident, no more is spoken about a possible Sith on the loose, until nearly the end of AOTC.

INT. THEED–POWER GENERATOR COMPLEX–MELTING PIT

Darth Maul rakes his lightsaber blade across the edge of the melting pit, showering Obi-Wan with sparks.

You’re supposed to kill your prey, not taunt it. What kind of Sith school did this guy go to?

Obi-Wan senses Qui-Gon’s lightsaber nearby. Darth Maul is puzzled, wondering what the Jedi is thinking. Suddenly Obi-Wan leaps out of the pit, calls Qui-Gon’s lightsaber to him, throwing Darth Maul off. The young Jedi swings with a vengeance, slicing the Sith Lord through. Darth Maul falls into the melting pit to his death, his body splitting into two neat pieces.

Obi-Wan rushes over to Qui-Gon, who is dying.

QUI-GON: It’s-it’s too late. It . . .
OBI-WAN: No!
QUI-GON: Obi-Wan . . . promise . . . promise me you will train the boy.
OBI-WAN: Yes, Master.
QUI-GON: He . . . is the chosen one. He will bring balance . . . train him.

Qui-Gon dies. Obi-Wan cradles his Master, quietly weeping.

EXT. MAIN HANGAR–COURTYARD–DAY

The large, grand cruiser of the Supreme Chancellor lands in the courtyard of the main hangar. The boarding ramp of the cruiser lowers.

Captain Panaka and twenty troops guard Nute Gunray and Rune Haako. Obi-Wan (with Anakin), the Queen, and her handmaidens stand before the Neimoidians.

AMIDALA: Now, Viceroy, you’re going to have to go back to the Senate and explain all this.
CAPT. PANAKA: I think you can kiss your trade franchise goodbye.

Captain Panaka leads Nute and Rune toward the ship. Supreme Chancellor Palpatine and several Republic guards exit the ship, followed by members of the Jedi Council. Obi-Wan and Anakin approach Palpatine and bow.

PALPATINE: We are indebted to you for your bravery, Obi-Wan Kenobi. And to you, young Skywalker. We will watch your career with great interest.

Obi-Wan and Anakin greet the Council members. Chancellor Palpatine approaches the Queen and bows his head.

AMIDALA: Congratulations on your election, Chancellor.
PALPATINE: Your boldness has saved our people, Your Majesty. It’s you who should be congratulated. Together we shall bring peace and prosperity to the Republic.

INT. THEED–POWER GENERATOR COMPLEX–MELTING PIT

Obi-Wan can barely contain his rage as Darth Maul paces in front of him, leering. Both anticipate the opening of the gates and activate their lightsabers. The electron gate opens, and Obi-Wan immediately attacks the Sith Lord.

Their furious battle takes them around the edge of the melting pit. Obi-Wan slices Darth Maul’s lightsaber in half and kicks him to the floor. The Sith Lord rises, forced to continue the fight with only one blade. Darth Maul catches Obi-Wan off guard and uses the Force to knock Obi-Wan into the melting pit. Obi-Wan is barely able to hold onto a nozzle on the side of the pit. Darth Maul grins evilly at Obi-Wan as he kicks Obi-Wan’s lightsaber down the endless shaft.

INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER–COCKPIT–FEDERATION HANGAR

Anakin sees the dashboard lights go from red to green.

ANAKIN: Yes! We have power. Shields up!

Anakin flips a switch and the ship levitates. The droids shoot, but their shots are deflected by Anakin’s shields. Anakin fires lasers as the ship begins to rotate.

ANAKIN: (Cont’d) Take this! And this!

Anakin launches two torpedoes which sail down the hangar and into the reactor room, exploding on impact.

ANAKIN: (Cont’d) Oops!

INT. FEDERATION BATTLESHIP–BRIDGE

Tey How turns to Daultay Dofine.

TEY HOW: We’re losing power. There seems to be a problem with the main reactor.
DOFINE: Impossible. Nothing can get through our shield.

INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER–COCKPIT–FEDERATION HANGAR

Anakin hits the throttle.

ANAKIN: Let’s get out of here!

Anakin’s ship roars through the hangar, bouncing over droids.

INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER–COCKPIT–SPACE

Bravo Three watches in amazement as the Federation battleship starts to explode from the inside out.

BRAVO THREE: What’s that? It’s blowing up from the inside!
RIC OLIÉ: We didn’t hit it!

Obviously!

INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER–COCKPIT–FEDERATION HANGAR

Anakin’s ship flies through the hangar ahead of the explosions.

ANAKIN: Now this is Podracing!

INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER–COCKPIT–SPACE

Bravo Two sees something flying out the Federation battleship’s hangar.

BRAVO TWO: Look! One of ours! Out of the main hold!

Anakin’s fighter flies out of the hangar and joins the Naboo fleet as it rockets away from the exploding battleship.

EXT. NABOO GRASS PLAINS–DAY

Suddenly all of the droids begin to shake and shut down. The Gungans carefully move out to inspect the frozen droids.

JAR JAR: Was’n dey doin?
CAPT. TARPALS: The control ship has been destroyed. Look!

Captain Tarpals pushes one of the battle droids, and it falls over.

JAR JAR: Dey all broke-ed.

Jar Jar knocks over another droid. The Gungans cheer and shout in victory.

INT. THEED–POWER GENERATOR ELECTRON BEAM–HALLWAY

The electron rays cycle as Qui-Gon sits meditating. When the wall between Qui-Gon and Darth Maul opens, Qui-Gon is in a split second fighting the Dark Lord. The walls blocking Obi-Wan disappear, and he starts running toward them. Qui-Gon and the Sith Lord move into an area at the end of the corridor called the melting pit, a small area that is mostly made up of a deep hole.

Darth Maul catches Qui-Gon off guard. The Sith Lord smashes his lightsaber handle into Qui-Gon’s chin, and runs him through.

OBI-WAN: NOOOOO!!!

Qui-Gon slumps to the floor in a heap. Obi-Wan glares at Darth Maul, enraged. The Sith Lord goes back to the corridor and paces.

EXT. NABOO GRASS PLAINS–DAY

The Gungans have been overrun. Many are herded into groups by battle droids and destroyer droids. Jar Jar and Captain Tarpals are surrounded by battle droids.

CAPT. TARPALS: No giben up, General Jar Jar. Mesa tinka something.
BATTLE DROID: Hands up!
JAR JAR: (raising his hands) My give up! My give up!

INT. THEED–PALACE THRONE ROOM–DAY

Amidala, Captain Panaka, and six Naboo soldiers are brought by ten battle droids before Nute and Rune.

NUTE: Your little insurrection is at an end, Your Highness. Time for you to sign the treaty and end this pointless debate in the Senate.
SABÉ: (O.S.) Viceroy!

Sabé, dressed as the Queen, appears in the doorway with several troops. Nute and the others are stunned to see a second Queen.

SABÉ: Your occupation here has ended!

Sabé shoots several battle droids. Nute yells at the ten guards in the room.

NUTE: After her! This one’s a decoy!

Six of the droids rush out of the throne room after Sabé. Several of the droids are shot down before Sabé and her troops run. Amidala runs to her throne and immediately hits a button that opens a compartment in the armrest. She grabs two pistols hidden there.

AMIDALA: Captain!

Amidala tosses one of the pistols to Captain Panaka. They shoot down the rest of the battle droids. The Neimoidians are confused and afraid.

CAPT. PANAKA: Jam the doors!

Several soldiers run to the door and jam the controls. Amidala stands before Nute and Rune.

AMIDALA: Now, Viceroy, we will discuss a new treaty.

EXT. NABOO GRASS PLAINS–DAY

A destroyer droid blasts one of the shield generators. The protective shield begins to weaken and fall apart. A Gungan general signals a retreat as the tanks enter the battle. Jar Jar is screaming retreat and dives under a battle wagon carrying huge balls of energy goo.

JAR JAR: Dis is nutsen!

The wagon driver spurs his beast, and the battle wagon rolls away as fast as it can, leaving Jar Jar with no hiding place. He jumps on the back of the wagon, and accidentally unhitches the tail gate.

JAR JAR: (Cont’d) Oh-oh! Big boomers!

The wagon comes open, and the energy balls roll out in every direction. Jar Jar tries to stay out of the way. One of the balls smashes into a tank, blowing a huge hole into it. Jar Jar waves down an approaching Gungan soldier on a kaadu.

JAR JAR: (Cont’d) Gimme a lift!

The soldier snatches Jar Jar off the ground, but Jar Jar is blown off the kaadu and lands on a tank’s gun. Captain Tarpals rides up alongside the tank.

CAPT. TARPALS: Jar Jar! Usen da boomba!
JAR JAR: What? Mesa no have a boomba!
CAPT. TARPALS: Here! Taken dis one!

Captain Tarpals tosses Jar Jar a small energy ball, but Jar Jar can’t hold on to it. It flies out of his hand, and hits a battle droid emerging from the tank. The droid shorts out, and the tank swings out of control. The tank is now facing the oncoming droid forces. Captain Tarpals rides up and yells at Jar Jar to jump. Jar Jar hangs from the gun barrel and tries to jump, but he manages to pull Captain Tarpals off his kaadu. They both roll on the ground to a stop in front of several battle droids.

INT. THEED–PALACE–HALLWAY TO THRONE ROOM

Amidala, Captain Panaka, and her soldiers run down the corridor to the throne room. Suddenly four destroyer droids skitter in front of the door. Amidala turns around and sees two more rolling toward them, trapping them in the middle. Battle droids show up and surround them.

AMIDALA: Put down your weapons. They win this round.

Amidala, Captain Panaka, and his men put down their weapons.

INT. NABOO STARFIGHTER–COCKPIT–SPACE

Anakin is being chased by droid fighters. An enemy ship fires and hits Anakin’s fighter, sending it into a spin. Artoo screams.

ANAKIN: We’re hit, Artoo!

Anakin regains control as his ship enters the battleship’s hangar. The fighter dodges parked transport ships and other obstacles. A huge bulkhead blocks his way. Artoo beeps.

ANAKIN: (Cont’d) I’m trying to stop! I’m trying to stop!

Anakin hits the reverse thrusters and the ship skids to a stop on the hangar deck.

ANAKIN: (Cont’d) Everything’s overheated.

Anakin is pressing buttons and and pulling levers, but the fighter won’t respond. Artoo sees battle droids approaching and beeps frantically.

ANAKIN: (Cont’d) Oops! This is not good!

Captain Obvious said the shield around the droid control ship is too strong. If a blaster shot can’t get through, how can a whole fighter get through? Gusher explanation: they dropped their shield on the hangar bay to let ships out just as Anakin was flying in. That only makes things worse. Everything is a coincidence.