Same rules apply: this was cobbled together from a late draft and the ROTS DVD, with gaps filled in by me as necessary. The chapter numbering does not match the chapters on the DVD, and no deleted scenes will be covered.

EXT. SPACE

TITLE CARD: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Probably for the last time.

A vast sea of stars serves as the backdrop for the Main Title, followed by a rollup, which crawls into infinity.

PAN DOWN to reveal a REPUBLIC ATTACK CRUISER in orbit above Coruscant. Continue to PAN with the Cruiser as TWO JEDI STARFIGHTERS enter and skim along its surface. TRUCK with the Jedi Fighters as they maneuver in unison. The fighters suddenly dive over the cruiser’s edge into a huge heated space battle between Republic and Separatist forces. The fighters weave back and forth through the confusion, dodging flack and enemy laser fire.

R2-D2 is on ANAKIN SKYWALKER’s ship. R4-P17 is on OBI-WAN KENOBI’s ship. Artoo BEEPS a blue streak.

INT. OBI-WAN’S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE

ANAKIN: Lock onto him, Artoo. Master, General Grievous’s ship is directly ahead. The one crawling with vulture droids.

INT. OBI-WAN’S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE

OBI-WAN: Oh, I see it. This is going to be easy.

Ahead is a TRADE FEDERATION CRUISER with batlike DROID VULTURE FIGHTERS stalking around on the hull. The vulture fighters transform into flight configuration, lift off the cruiser, and streak toward the Jedi Starfighters. Six DROID TRI-FIGHTERS leave the cruiser and form up behind the vultures.

OBI-WAN: Odd Ball, do you copy?

ODD BALL: (O.S.) Copy, Red Leader.

OBI-WAN: Mark my position. Form your squad up behind me.

INT. ODD BALL’S FIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE

ODD BALL: We’re on your tail, General Kenobi.

CO-PILOT: Set S-foils in attack position.

The Clone fighters’ wings open into attack position. The Trade Federation fighters continue on their course. The Clone fighters arrive in formation behind Obi-Wan and Anakin as the Jedi’s ships extend their stabilizer wings.

More crappy ship design. Who’s bright idea was it to have Jedi flying what clearly is a TIE fighter? (Rhetorical question. )

INT. ANAKIN’S FIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE

ANAKIN: This is where the fun begins.

Really?

INT. OBI-WAN’S STARFIGHTER COCKPIT-SPACE

OBI-WAN: Let them pass between us.

The Clone and Jedi fighters slice through the oncoming swarm of droid fighters. Laser fire erupts, and droids and clones alike take deadly hits. The remaining droids loop around and chase down the Clone fighters.

CLONE PILOT: They’re all over me! (Over Anakin’s radio) Get them off my–

The transmission abruptly cuts out.

ANAKIN: I’m going to go help them.

OBI-WAN: No, no! They are doing their job so we can do ours.

Another Clone fighter is hit, bursts into flames, and spins off into space. A vulture droid fighter raises its head to locate its target and fires missiles at them.

ANAKIN: Missiles! Pull up!

Anakin and Obi-Wan bank away as the missiles fly between them.

OBI-WAN: They overshot us.

ANAKIN: They’re coming around.

Four missiles swing around and chase the Jedi Starfighters. Two hone in on Obi-Wan.

OBI-WAN: All right, Arfour. No, no, no, no. No, nothing too fancy.

The other missiles close in on Anakin.

ANAKIN: Surge all power units. Artoo! Stand by the reverse thrusters.

Anakin spins his starfighter. The missiles spin and collide.

ANAKIN: (Chuckles) We got ‘em. Artoo!

Two missiles continue to track Obi-Wan.

OBI-WAN: Flying is for droids.

The trailing missiles overshoot Obi-Wan’s fighter and detonate. Silver balls fly out of the debris and attach themselves to the ship.

OBI-WAN: I’m hit! Anakin?

ANAKIN: I see them. Buzz droids.

The balls pop open, revealing small BUZZ DROIDS that begin to crawl across the surface like spiders.

They crawl across Obi-Wan’s ship and start to tear it apart. SPARKS ERUPT where they break into the wiring. One of the droids goes after Arfour.

OBI-WAN: Arfour, be careful. You have a–

Arfour’s head gets ripped off and flies away.

OBI-WAN: Oh dear.

The buzz droids continue their destruction of Obi-Wan’s fighter.

OBI-WAN: They’re shutting down all the controls.

ANAKIN: Move to the right so I can get a clear shot at them.

OBI-WAN: The mission. Get to the command ship. Get the Chancellor! I’m running out of tricks here.

Anakin moves into position just off Obi-Wan’s left side and angles his ship so his guns are pointing at the droids crawling over Obi-Wan’s Starfighter. Anakin fires and vaporizes three droids, along with the left wing of Obi-Wan’s ship.

Obi-Wan struggles to gain control.

OBI-WAN: Oh! In the name of–

Obi-Wan folds up his remaining wing and flies on.

OBI-WAN: Hold your fire. You’re not helping here.

ANAKIN: I agree. Bad idea.

The Starfighters fly past a larger cruiser that has just been hit. They barely avoid the explosion, but one of the buzz droids is vaporized. The resulting debris cloud covers Obi-Wan’s canopy, making it difficult to see ahead.

OBI-WAN: I can’t see a thing! My cockpit’s fogging.

Anakin catches up and moves to Obi-Wan’s left side.

OBI-WAN: They’re all over me. Anakin!

Anakin moves his ship next to Obi-Wan’s and tries to physically knock the buzz droids off. There are five left. Anakin scrapes his wing against the hull, but badly jostles Obi-Wan’s ship in the process.

ANAKIN: Move to the right.

OBI-WAN: Hold on, Anakin. You’re going to get us both killed! Get out of here. There’s nothing more you can do.

ANAKIN: I’m not leaving without you, Master.

Anakin moves in again and crushes four of the droids. The fifth crawls out onto Anakin’s ship and prepares to do its dirty work. Artoo beeps and extends an arm from his domed head.

ANAKIN: Get him, Artoo.

Artoo zaps the buzz droid with bursts of electricity. The droid moves off a bit but still wants to fight.

OBI-WAN: Artoo, hit the buzz droid’s center eye.

Artoo aims a stream of electricity at the swerving droid. The buzz droid is hit squarely in the eye, crumples and falls off the ship.

ANAKIN: Yeah, you got him!

OBI-WAN: Great, Artoo.

Artoo saves the day again!

The Jedi Starfighters streak toward the command ship.

ANAKIN: The General’s command ship is dead ahead.

Anakin heads straight for the hangar. Artoo screams.

OBI-WAN: Well, have you noticed the shields are still up?!

ANAKIN: Sorry, Master.

Anakin pulls a barrel roll over Obi-Wan and fires on the hangar’s shield generator. It explodes and the blue force field collapses. A set of blast doors starts SLAMMING shut across the hangar opening as material is sucked into space.

OBI-WAN: Oh, I have a bad feeling about this.

The Starfighters enter the hangar just ahead of the blast doors.

Lucas edited the daylights out of this section. When I blocked out the parts that actually made it into this cut of ROTS (I have to say it that way because he’ll change it eventually ), I’d say about 2/3 of it is gone. I’ll applaud ruthless editing, but I think here a lot of color is lost for the sake of not dragging down the action with pilot-speak and cramming in more CGI madness.

The newest version of Wordpress fixed a registration bug that can be exploited by unscrupulous folk. This seems to be the latest in a long line of such bugs, so I’m going to turn off open registration. It won’t affect people who already registered, just that there won’t be new registrations. Everybody can use the comment form like normal.

Now that that’s out of the way…

Let’s get this party started!

DVD…check.
Text Edit open…check.
Logged in Wordpress as Admin…check.
The LucasClub™ of Idiocy Mark IX…check.
Pepper spray for the screaming fangirls in the front row…check.
Motion tracker to detect presence of the LucasClub™ of Subtle Storytelling…check.
Barf bags…check.
Sarcasm-O-Matic™, fixed…check.
Throat lozenges (for screaming at the screen)…check.
Bandages (for my forehead bruised from banging it on the keyboard in frustration)…check…

I’m out of Cheesecake?! Nothing goes better with a good shredding than a piece of New York Style cheesecake.

BRB

Okay, now I’m bored and I need something to get exercised about. I won’t see Indy 4 until it’s on DVD (not because I don’t think I’ll like it), so not much to rag on there. Except whenever Lucas gives an interview at a movie premiere.

Anyway, I’ve cracked open the ROTS script and I’m looking at what I need to do just to get started. There’s a lot of “dang it, why wasn’t this in the movie!” and I’ve only begun doing the opening scene.

No promises on a schedule. Only soon.

It’s April and still no shredding of ROTS? What gives? Mostly laziness and not wanting to slog through the script so soon after AOTC. I think this one deviates from its last draft more than the others. For instance, in the draft the opening scene was much longer and had much more dialog, some of which is fairly decent. And Vaderkin said more than “NOOOOOO!!!!!!” But it only makes him sound like a bigger whiny baby than he already is.

I’m holding off on doing anything until I update software across the entire site. There are some problems with the new Wordpress update, so I’ll probably wait for a fix to come out, which might be as early as next week.

EXT: SPACE - CORUSCANT

Count Dooku’s sailship approaches Coruscant’s night side. As the ship descends, the sails collapse and retract.

I don’t know why, but for some reason I feel the sail should be behind the ship. Weird.

EXT: CORUSCANT, OLD TOWN - DAWN

Dooku’s ship glides past glittering towers and industrial complexes into a deserted, dilapidated part of Coruscant. It heads for one of the towers. A door lifts, and the ship enters the building and lands.

INT: CORUSCANT, SECRET LANDING PLATFORM - DAWN

The ramp lowers. Dooku emerges and walks to where the hooded figure of DARTH SIDIOUS has come out to meet him. He bows.

COUNT DOOKU: The Force is with us, Master Sidious.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Welcome home, Lord Tyranus. You have done well.

They turn and leave the ship.

COUNT DOOKU: I have good news for you, my Lord. The war has begun.

DARTH SIDIOUS: Excellent. Everything is going as planned.

EXT: CORUSCANT, JEDI TEMPLE - SUNSET

The temple basks in the red glow of the setting sun.

INT: JEDI TEMPLE, COUNCIL CHAMBER - SUNSET

Obi-Wan and Mace stand at a window gazing at the cityscape.

OBI-WAN: Do you believe what Count Dooku said about Sidious controlling the Senate? It doesn’t feel right.

YODA: (O.S) Joined the Dark Side Dooku has.

Yoda is seated in the chamber’s only chair.

YODA: (Con’t) Hmm…lies, deceit, creating mistrust are his ways now.

MACE WINDU: Nevertheless, I feel we should keep a closer eye on the Senate.

YODA: I agree.

MACE WINDU: (To Obi-Wan) Where is your apprentice?

OBI-WAN: On his way to Naboo, escorting Senator Amidala home.

Have you been watching the movie, Obi-Wan?!

OBI-WAN: (Con’t) I have to admit that without the clones, it would not have been a victory.

YODA: (O.S.) Victory?

Obi-Wan and Mace turn and looks at the sad little Jedi.

YODA: Victory, you say? (Shaking his head) Master Obi-Wan, not victory. The shroud of the Dark Side has fallen. Begun, the Clone War has.

EXT: CORUSCANT, MILITARY STAGING AREA, BALCONY - SUNSET

Tens of Thousands of clone troops are drawn up in strict formation or move forward in neat files to climb the ramps of the Assault Ships.

Palpatine, Bail Organa, Mas Amedda and other dignitaries stand looking down at the square below. Everyone watches somberly as, in the square, loaded Assault Ships take off. The sky above is thick with transports.

Looks to me that Palpy wants to say “they’re mine, they’re mine, they’re ALL MINE!!!” so badly.

Bail Organa bows his head at the sight and in grim resignation lightly punches edge of the balcony with a closed fist.

EXT: NABOO LAKE RETREAT, GARDEN - LATE DAY

In an arbor overlooking the sparkling lake, Anakin and Padmé stand before a NABOO HOLY MAN. He blesses the happy couple and leaves as they clasp hands. Anakin’s right hand is replaced by a golden prosthetic one. They kiss. Threepio and Artoo stand by, watching. Anakin and Padmé turn to look at the lake.

IRIS OUT.

And after many fits and starts, this journey through CGI Land comes to a merciful end. What’s next? Why, Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith of course. It’s not quite as bad as AOTC, but that’s like saying botulism isn’t quite as bad as salmonella!

This Sith will be celebrating the holidays, but come 2008 I’ll be back to dissect ROTS with a rusty scalpel. Or sooner if I get bored.

INT: GEONOSIS, SECRET HANGAR - LATE DAY

Count Dooku increases the tempo of his attack. Obi-Wan is pushed to the limit to defend himself. Dooku presses. The two lock sabers. Obi-Wan strains to push Dooku’s blade away. Dooku grins and flashes his blade, quickly wounding Obi-Wan in the shoulder, then the thigh. Obi-Wan cries out and falls. His lightsaber goes skittering across the floor.

And Obi gets taken out of the fight early. Might become a habit.

Count Dooku waves his lightsaber with a flourish. Anakin sees what he is about to do. Dooku raises his lightsaber for the final blow. Obi-Wan looks up at him helplessly. Anakin leaps across the room with saber activated. Dooku’s lightsaber flashes down and CLASHES against Anakin’s lightsaber. Dooku and Anakin stare eye to eye.

COUNT DOOKU: Brave of you, boy. But I would have thought you had learned your lesson.

Obi-Wan stretches his hand out toward his lightsaber. It returns to his grasp.

ANAKIN: I am a slow learner.

I had a snarky remark for this, but Anakin beat me to it and dissed his own self.

Anakin backs off.

OBI-WAN: Anakin!

Obi-Wan tosses his lightsaber to Anakin. With two lightsabers, Anakin attacks. Count Dooku parries and ripostes. It’s no contest. Anakin is driven back. Dooku slices one lightsaber in half. Anakin retreats, slicing a power cable on the floor and plunging part of the chamber in darkness. Nothing can be seen except the glowing blades and their light as they illuminate the combatants’ faces. They mirror each other’s moves as the battle brings them back into the light.

Finally, Count Dooku, in one flashing move, sends Anakin’s arm, cut off at the elbow, flying, still gripping his lightsaber. He uses the Force to push Anakin across the room. He comes to rest against Obi-Wan, unconscious. Dooku heaves a hard breath and shuts down his lightsaber.

He hears footsteps approaching and turns at the sound. Shuffling into the chamber, grunting with every step, is the diminutive figure of Yoda.

COUNT DOOKU: Master Yoda.

Yoda stops, resting his hands on top of his walking stick.

YODA: Count Dooku.

COUNT DOOKU: You have interfered with our affairs for the last time.

Count Dooku raises his hand and pulls pieces of machinery off the walls and hurls them at the tiny figure of the Jedi Master. Yoda drops his stick and deflects the machinery. Count Dooku then causes great boulders in the ceiling above Yoda to fall, and again, Yoda deflects the
boulders and throws them aside.

YODA: Powerful you have become, Dooku. The Dark Side I sense in you.

COUNT DOOKU: I’ve become more powerful than any Jedi. Even you.

Dooku raises his hand and unleashes Force lightning. Yoda deflects it back. Dooku quickly deflects it off into a wall. The Count tries again, and Yoda holds out his hand against it. The energy goes off in all directions, having no effect. Dooku stops and reaches for his lightsaber.

YODA: Much to lean you still have.

COUNT DOOKU: It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the Force…

Dooku activates his saber.

COUNT DOOKU: (Con’t) …but by our skills with a lightsaber.

Count Dooku whirls his lightsaber in a formal salute. Yoda draws his lightsaber from his belt with the Force and ignites it. Suddenly, Count Dooku leaps across the space at Yoda. He rains down blows upon the tiny figure. Yoda doesn’t budge an inch. For the first part of the contest, he parries every cut and thrust that Count Dooku aims. Nothing the great swordsman tries gets through. His energy drains. His strokes become feeble, slower.

Yoda attacks! He flies forward. Count Dooku is forced to retreat. Words are insufficient to describe the range and skill of Yoda’s speed and swordplay. His lightsaber his a humming blur of light. Finally, their blades cross and the fighting slows.

The only thing I changed in the two paragraphs above is that Yoda draws his saber with the Force and that Dooku jumps at Yoda to start the fight. (Well, they both jump.) “Words are insufficient to describe”? Isn’t that an understatement.

YODA: Fought well you have, my old Padawan.

Okay, two Sith lords came directly or indirectly from Yoda. Not a very good track record.

COUNT DOOKU: This is just the beginning.

Dooku gestures to one side and uses the Force to pull on one of the cranes in the hanger. It comes crashing down toward Obi-Wan and Anakin. Dooku runs toward his ship. YODA closes his eyes and concentrates, trying to stop the crane. Obi-Wan looks up. Dooku runs up the ship’s ramp, throwing a look back before going inside. The crane stops just feet above Obi-Wan and Anakin, hanging in midair for a few moments before Yoda moves it aside and drops it to the floor. The sound of the Sail Ship’s engines are heard starting up.

EXT: GEONOSIS, SECRET HANGAR - LATE DAY

A Gunship pulls up to the landing platform. Padmé and four clonetroopers get out, just in time to see Dooku’s ship taking off. They fire at the craft to no avail.

EXT: GEONOSIS, SPACE

Count Dooku’s ship leaves Geonosis, passing escaping Trade Federation craft. The ship extends its sails and heads into deep space.

INT: GEONOSIS, SECRET HANGER TOWER - LATE DAY

Anakin is awake. Yoda sighs heavily and retrieves his walking stick with the Force. Obi-Wan and Anakin painfully get to their feet.

PADMÉ: Anakin!

Padmé runs to Anakin and throws her arms around him. Anakin is barely able to stand up.

How about a hug for Yoda? He saved your lousy boyfriend’s life after all.

…which I’ll be doing here. All to get past the rest of this CGI orgy pointless battle between faceless clones and faceless droids (oh joy), and faceless Jedi who are really no more effective than missiles and blasters. We do find out that termites designed the Death Star, though. Guh.

Anyway, now Dooku is bugging out. On a speeder bike, no less.

INT: REPUBLIC GUNSHIP - DAY

The Gunship breaks through a cloud of dust.

OBI-WAN: (Pointing) Look over there!

Below, a speeder flies ahead flanked by two beak-shaped fighters. On the bike is the unmistakable figure of Count Dooku.

ANAKIN: It’s Dooku! Shoot him down!

CLONE CAPTAIN: We’re out of rockets, sir.

Now if he had said “we’re out of ordinance”, like it says in the draft, I would have understood what he meant, and a lot of others. Why change it? Give us some credit, why doncha?

ANAKIN: Follow him!

PADMÉ: We’re gonna need some help!

OBI-WAN: There isn’t time! Anakin and I can handle this!

If by “handle” you mean having your lunch handed to you.

Dooku looks behind him. He presses controls on his speeder and signals to the two fighters flanking him. They veer off left and right, loop around, and come up behind our heroes’ Gunship. To avoid the Beak-Wing fire, the Gunship banks up a steep dune but is still hit. The ship lurches on its side, and Padmé and a clone officer tumble out.

ANAKIN: Padmé!!!

Anakin stares down in horror as Padmé hits the dune below. She rolls down the slope, reaching the bottom unconscious.

ANAKIN: (Con’t; to Pilot) Put the ship down!

OBI-WAN: Don’t let your personal feelings get in the way.

OBI-WAN: (Con’t; to Pilot) Follow that speeder.

The Gunship continues its pursuit of Dooku’s speeder, followed by the two Beak-Wing fighters.

ANAKIN: (To Pilot) Lower the ship!

OBI-WAN: I can’t take Dooku alone! I need you! If we catch him we can end this war right now! We have a job to do!

ANAKIN: I don’t care! (To Pilot) Put the ship down!

OBI-WAN: You will be expelled from the Jedi Order!

ANAKIN: I can’t leave her!

OBI-WAN: Come to your senses! What do you think Padmé would do were she in your position?

ANAKIN: (Resigned) She would do her duty.

EXT: COMMAND CENTER - DAY

Yoda stands next to the clone commander. He senses something.

YODA: Hmmmm…

CLONE COMMANDER: The droid army is in full retreat.

YODA: Well done, Commander. Bring me a ship.

EXT: GEONOSIS, SECRET HANGAR - LATE DAY

Dooku flies over a landing platform and into a opening built high on a cliff face.

INT: REPUBLIC GUNSHIP - DAY

Anakin and Obi-Wan watch as Dooku’s speeder disappears inside the cliff. The Gunship parks next to the landing ramp. Obi-Wan and Anakin, lightsabers activated, leap out with two troopers and run inside. The Gunship flies off, but is soon destroyed by the fighters.

INT: GEONOSIS, SECRET HANGAR - LATE DAY

Count Dooku throws switches on a control panel. His Interstellar Sail Ship is parked nearby. He gives orders to a nearby droid, and the droid quickly rolls inside the ship.

Obi-Wan and Anakin enter the chamber. Dooku turns toward them, his hand on his lightsaber.

ANAKIN: You’re gonna pay for all the Jedi that you’ve killed today, Dooku.

OBI-WAN: (To Anakin) We’ll take him together. Go in slowly on the left–

ANAKIN: I’m taking him now!

Anakin charges across the open space at Count Dooku.

OBI-WAN: No, Anakin! No! No!

Dooku smiles faintly, watching him come. At the last moment, Dooku thrusts out an arm and unleashes a blast of Force lightning. Anakin is hurled across the room, and slammed into the opposite wall. He slumps to the foot of the wall, semi-conscious. Count Dooku and Obi-Wan circle each other slowly.

I really hate that now force lightning is available to any old Sith lackey.

COUNT DOOKU: As you see, my Jedi powers are far beyond yours. Now…back down.

Dooku sends a blast of lightning at Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan calmly catches it with his lightsaber blade.

A little trick Obi-Wan and Yoda seems to have forgotten to teach Luke.

OBI-WAN: I don’t think so.

Dooku ignites his saber. Obi-Wan comes in fast, swinging at Dooku’s head. Dooku parries the cut easily. As they fight, it quickly becomes clear that Dooku is the complete swordsman,
elegant, graceful, classical - a master of the old style.

COUNT DOOKU: Master Kenobi, you disappoint me. Yoda holds you in such high esteem.

Count Dooku parries another cut and then thrusts. Obi-Wan steps back quickly, panting for breath.

COUNT DOOKU: Surely you can do better.

Obi-Wan takes a deep breath, gets a fresh grip on his lightsaber and comes in again. For a moment, he drives. Dooku’s superior skill begins to tell again, and he forces Obi-Wan to retreat. Anakin remains where he had fallen, writhing in pain.

A lot of good you are, Chosen One.

EXT: GEONOSIS, DUNES - DAY

On the ground, Padmé groans in pain. A CLONE TROOPER approaches.

CLONE TROOPER: Are you all right?

PADMÉ: Uh-huh.

She gets to her feet.

CLONE TROOPER: We’d better get you back to the forward command center.

PADMÉ: No. No. Gather what troops you can. We’ve got to get to that hanger. Get a transport. Hurry!

CLONE TROOPER: Right away!

They both run off across the sand.

Um, how did you know where they went? You were knocked out at the bottom of a sand dune by the time they get to the hangar.

Well, for one, I’m back into my own writing and moving old stuff into new software. Second, I’m still running to the hospital for dressing changes, and the pain loves to interfere with what I’m doing, so sometimes I’d rather take pain pills and go to bed than endure it. Third…well, the last part of AOTC makes me want to gag! You too?

I can’t get to ROTS until I finish shredding AOTC. I’ll find a way.